happy halloween (or why i can't go home anymore)

you wake up too early. there's still that metallic like taste in your mouth, or maybe just the memory. hungry but food just doesn't taste the same. jaw clenched.


so far from home. so far from anything stable. life has taken on a new kind of temporal feeling. (but wasn't it always this way? nothing ever stays the same).


masks and masks and masks and we're all always wearing masks. everyone on the street is wearing costumes and it's just a very different crowd than the usual upper class families of the village. it's almost more real, more authentic. i jump in stranger's pictures. a woman tells us, "be safe."


next morning and i feel like a deflated balloon. everyone back home is so proud. but i am failing. and no one here cares.


on mischief night we go to brooklyn only to find the party is twenty one and over only and so we go back and as the subway is going over the bridge and manhatten is in sight (it's all lights and tall buildings and mechanized beauty) i breathe a sigh of relief. even if i hate it here, i could never leave.