New York

is like a really, really big high school.

Peek-a-boo by Daniel Johnston

This song means spring to me. It means driving down the road on a spring day with the windows down and the leaves coming back in light green and the smell of spring that I can barely remember now since New York's spring smells different than back home although it's just as beautiful. You notice all the green where in fall you forgot it and the white popcorn trees bloom on the sides of the streets near Washington Square and everyone is back on the streets with their dogs and babies. And it smells like those popcorn flowers and warm cement. Except New York's spring is sour just as she is sweet and includes rainy, half-wintery days where the wind whips around the buildings and kills you like it did that time with Miguel and Truman forever and ever ago when we smoked that blunt with keif the morning after I rolled and then I was too fucked up to go to drawing class and went to eat breakfast instead. We were walking to breakfast high as fuck when we turned this corner and were hit with a wall of wind. We all fell backwards trying to escape the wind's horrible powers. Yeah, that wind will get you. I miss everything that's ever happened. Well, maybe not really. But there are small moments of every one of my past lives that was good. That was a good moment with Miguel and Truman even though things got bad. And then good? I don't know.

Where am I going, where have I been?

MIX

Ok. This is the mix updated. Please listen because it took me forever to upload. I'm trying to get rid of like two songs also.

Why

did I never look up videos of Billy Childish before?!

I really miss

getting stoned with people back home. Because I really wish that there was someone here with me right now to see this old, really tall guy with weird hair pulling down vines and shit in his garden. It is so fucking weird! I'm trying to charge my camera battery right now just to capture it on video it's so fucking amazing.

He moved out of eyesight goddammit. And he put on a hat. It's the cutest old man hat. He has to be insane.

Either that or I am.

He will not come back to where I can tape him. Man, I feel like if someone was here right now - like my roommate or my neighbor - they would be like, "Sam, you can't do that. You're so weird." But I don't really care.

My life is a series of telecommunications (miscommunications is not a word according to this spell check) .

If this year has taught me anything,

it's not to go for your dreams. People are right when they say you won't make it.

Ew.

I hate listening to music through headphones - even fairly good headphones. I actually prefer my computer speakers a lot of the time. Music is such a physical thing. I don't like it when it's so close to me. Any other time you listen to music it's not directly around your ears but instead it's inside a space. I don't know. Maybe I'm just babbling. I should look up some scientific stuff to explain it better.

I love

the changing of the seasons when I get to switch from winter music to spring music to summer music to fall music to winter music.

Is this one of those "it has to get worse before it gets better" kind of things or are antidepressants just wrong for me. Seriously, I take them one day and before you're even supposed to be feeling the effects I'm anxious and sick and can't sleep and feel basically fucked up. The only reason I'm even up and moving right now is because I smoked. Otherwise I would still be lying in bed clenching my jaw and trying to fall asleep. My pupils are even dilated. Isn't that so weird?

Over the course of this year,

I think I have gotten like 100 times weirder. No, really.


I used to always have this image of what I looked like to other people - this kind of constructed identity. Now when I try to imagine how other people perceive me, I cannot fathom their perceptions of me at all.




I love Marc Bolan:









This song is just awesome:



John Lennon and Yoko Ono are adorable:




Ok, they were also weird but whatever.

My favorite couple is Marina Abramovic and Ulay. They did performance art together and their whole relationship was kind of an artwork itself. They were going to walk from opposite sides of the Wall of China and meet in the middle and get married. But instead it ended up being that they met in the middle and said goodbye and never did anymore performances together. I love their story because it's tragically beautiful.

A Mix

Please listen to this and get back to me about how you think it works. Does it flow nicely? Are there any songs you think don't fit? etc.



P.S.

Begins with the song 1969.

So..

Got into the Art Institute of Chicago. Got their measly portfolio scholarship. Got into SVA. Don't know about any financial aid there but doesn't seem likely. Looks like I'm not going to school next year because of money mostly. Thanks again, NYU, for giving me the shittiest year of my life and taking all my money and all my future money and spoiling any chance of success I might have.


I am sitting here thinking of how I will probably be happy enough working a minimum wage job the rest of my life anyway. I've decided I will just never marry or have a family and then just spend all my money on weed and books and paints and CDs and DVDs and alcohol and live a lonely but less stressed existence. I'll probably see this as the best time of my life. Fuck.

Three

Just now, I almost poured a glass of water over my head. There really was no reason. I'm in a good mood most of the day and then someone tells me something I don't want to hear and I'm all distant, feeling isolated and annoyed.

Painted today. Forgot how much I love it.

I really think I should stop writing in this. It's getting a bit obsessive and I don't think anyone bothers to read my drawn-out, whiny posts so I should just go back to writing down my thoughts in a journal or something.

Fuck. I am so fucking lonely.

Man

I've only been to my painting class like three or four times. It's gotten to the point where I'm scared to go back. Dammit.

Scott Walker

So I watched this movie about Scott Walker:



It was okay, but it really got me into this guy. His later stuff is amazing.



I don't know if anyone else will like it. I just think it sounds like nothing I've ever heard. It's better if you hear a higher quality version of it though.

But don't listen to him if you're in a good mood. At least not his newer albums. 30 Century Man is a great song that's from his older stuff that's not depressing.

OMG!

I want Morgan and Ian out of this room so I can clean it immediatley. Ugh. Where are my scissors? Morgan took them in the bathroom without explanation and of course did not return them to their rightful place in the cup on my desk. I hate everything. I want to go home so badly. I want to die. I want to find a video camera on ebay. Ugh. Stop laughing. Stop talking. My side of the room was completely clean less than a week ago. I have no space! I have nothing. I have no respect. I have nothing. I want to take a shower but it's so damn hot. I want to clean. I wish I had (I need) weed. I don't want to go to work but at the same time I can't wait to go to work. I wish they would leave. I hate living in this room. Four more weeks. Four more weeks. Four more weeks. How will I pack with all this shit everywhere? I want to kill myself. I hate my life. Everything is annoying me severely. I'm not going to do anymore homework.


ldjfkljdflsf fldsfjlsfjljfl jfklsfeofjdlksklc.

alfjdlsfjdlk;

Maybe I have bipolar disorder. I know that this sounds far fetched to most people but I really want to know why one day/minute/hour I'll feel on top of the world and have all these ambitions. I think of making a zine. I think of buying people presents and mailing them. I think of starting a band. I think of a million things. Then the next minute I feel worthless. I feel like everyone hates me; is against me. I abandon all projects - think they're stupid even. This year these mood swings have gotten progressively worse. There are times when it takes me forever to wake up in the mornings no matter how early I went to bed and then there are times when I wake up at seven or eight perfectly refreshed no matter how late I went to sleep.

Yesterday I tried taking the Zoloft again and went completely crazy. At first I felt really euphoric and thought "Is this how normal people feel? So happy all the time?" Then I couldn't sleep. I felt anxious and angry and scared. I felt shaky. At seven in the morning my pupils were dilated. It was horrible.

I don't know what's going on and I really just want someone to give me an answer.

I exist

in a vacuum.



I rather not exist at all.

Tooth Decay

When I was little, probably four or five, I scrubbed my teeth incessantly one day for much longer than dentists recommend or at least longer than most four or five year olds spend on their teeth. The yellow of my teeth wouldn't match the white foam of the toothpaste. Futility. "You're still brushing your teeth?" my babysitter asks. "I want my teeth to be as white as Cameron's," is my answer. I wanted my teeth to be like those as my best friend's baby brother - who was probably one at the time. I wanted that four years of grime off of my teeth. I wanted them to be pure and beautiful like Cameron's. I wanted them to be perfectly white and eternal.

I'm just trying to make it through the day.


If that means I sit and listen to music instead of doing homework and smoke and keep my job even if it's getting in the way of my studies and eat a lot of chocolate instead of real food and watch about six episodes of The Simpsons a day, well, then so be it.

grrrrr

Hidden entrance painted white like the rest of the building. Amateur graffiti adorns the place. Walk up a narrow flight of stairs. There you will find The Market Hotel. Pay ten dollars and go into the space. Dimly lit people sit around whispering among each other. A coffee sign flashes in the corner. Coffee, it says. Then flashes into an image of a steaming coffee cup. Stage is set back. A sheet with flowers serves as the backdrop, its corners are falling. There are Christmas lights. On the wood paneling there are paintings, a doodle-like representation of a giant gorilla-type being. Show starts. First band is lo-fi, lo-talent (two guitarists, a bassist, and a drum machine) but not horrible. No one dances. No one even moves. The crowd is all standoffish twenty something year olds. I see a kid from school. We met in the laundry room and managed to keep up a conversation for maybe forty-five minutes, maybe more. He is the most comfortable person I’d ever met. He’s amazing at talking to strangers but you get the idea that he never really gets close to anyone. Running into him isn’t awkward. He comes over and talks to me like I see him everyday. Second band is better. A crowd starts to form. The eighteen/nineteen year old crowd is a little better – friendlier, less detached. Guitarist makes his guitar dance and a stream of fuzzy sounds ensues. A couple of Jonno’s (laundry room, comfortable talker) friends come. I’ve met them before too. The girl asks me where I’m living next year. Says the girls she was going to live with are changing plans. In the corner I spot a girl I work with in a red hat. When I finally decide to say hello, she’s gone. I search around for a red hat periodically. Third band starts to set up. Then the police show up. Streams of concentrated light searching for culprits emulate from their hands. After five rounds of intimidation they tell us to leave. The Market Hotel has no permits. We all file out down the narrow staircase. Bonding over mutual disdain for the police occurs. The feeling outside on the street seems to be, “Oh well,” and people are moving on to the next stage of their night.

Dreams

Jan 29

I was in my car trying to park at this coffee shop to get ice cream and my car stops working. I can sort of steer but I can't break or anything else. I'm also on a lot of ecstasy. I run into one of those parking things and for some reason my car catches on fire. I scream and people are helping me out from the coffee shop and Matt White. The bottoms of my feet are black like 3rd degree burns.

Then I'm near home trying to find my mom's work with Morgan and Ishita. They keep trying to tell me where it's from and I'm like, "You guys, I'm from around here." My feet are still black from the accident.

Then we're in this hotel and everyone is there. Morgan and Ishita are part of this intense girl fight club that makes me very uncomfortable. They keep asking me to join.

Something about getting lost in this guy's house with a boy...

Another part of the story involves two girls who lost their mom...One gets found and can't talk or anything.

Jan 31

I'm home from college except it's not my home because my mom's been living with a guy in Mexico.

I'm on a kid's bike - a tricycle with Brandon Kikendall on a real bike - except it sort of isn't Brandon Kikendall. We're riding through these woods, we smoke pot a couple times. At one point we're on these bleachers and there's two hickish men there.

My tricycle breaks and I call my mom to see if somecan bring my real bike. I ask if Carol could get it if she goes back to Indy or if Linda could bring it if she comes. I feel like we're somewhere in southern Indiana.

I'm on a computer trying to look up my flight times while Lauren's dad is talking to me.

My mom comes to where I'm with Brandon but it's now a kitchen. She mentions something about me being high but I just laugh at her because I'm really not high at all anymore. She starts making me a fried banana and peanut butter sandwich. She tells me about Mexico.

Feb 1

First I'm going back to school after a break. I'm talking to Ms. Hensely and Lili. I tell them that all the people at school look like animals - as in, in my mind they have these animal features.

There's a little boy I'm supposed to be watching in a theater but he crawls away. I'm freaking out but we find him underneath a stranger's seat.

I'm running cross country. I don't know the route but it's inside this confusing house. I hear people talking so I open the door. People from the cross country team are sitting in the room. I ask if it's the end and they say they don't know but that they don't feel like trying anymore.

Feb 2

I'm at a flea market/garage sale with Jon. The clothes are amazing in this one booth/store in a basement and they're only 22 cents each. I'm asking him if I think a certain skirt will fit me but his kind of standoffish and says he doesn't know.

I go with Truman to buy a bunch of pizzas for people who are hanging out around this pool.

Feb 3

I get off an airplane and there's a guy on a motorcycle waiting for me. I get on. I've go to to this dining hall place. This one woman can't get through this turnstile because she's betrayed her country.

We're making CD-ROMS for The Sims 3. After talking about it I really want to go play it so I do.

We're walking through town with two other CD-ROM makers. We hear about these haunted places. The first is this place in the woods before the scarier place. It's like this place with water and we're driving the motorcycle above it. I'm complaining about all the mosquitoes. There's supposed to be alligators/hippos in the water. We go to leave. In a cave part of the place there are people - a teenage guy and girl and a young boy. I start talking to the little boy who is rambunctious. The motorcycle guy - my friend - starts flirting with the girl. He says he'll see her at church and then we leave.

Feb 10

I'm at a hotel with Madi. We're talking when there's a knock at the door. It's someone from my floor telling us to be quiet. They also have stuffed crust pizza.

The next day we're having dinner when Lauren walks in. She asks where my grandma is and I say in the hospital.

Feb 19

I'm on my way to Video Art with Dana and Will and we're late. Will is going to Photography but he's so late he just comes with us. We go into a big auditorium with a lot of other students to watch a presentation. At first it's really interesting but then we get bored. Dana gets up to go somewhere and I'm left alone with Will. He leans his head on the seat and he's sitting in front of me. I tousle his hair then pretend I didn't when he looks up. Then some bitties come over and Dana is back. All the bitties are flirting with Will. I kick one of them and then act nonchalant but Will sees me. The presentation is over so we leave. We go into a big room. I think Will leaves.

Now I'm walking with Madi and Eric by water. Wherever we are it's cold but not freezing. Eric talks about how the drinking age in this state is 18. I say where I'm from it's 21. He says that's a shame you won't be able to drink if I take you the the harbor. I say yes I will I'm 18.

There's this weird railroad track thing we need someone to cross. There's a group of people discussing it. We decide to use one of the children upstairs since they're small enough to do it. The children volunteer by writing down their names. I choose a name at random: E. Audrey Rose. When I go to the room with the children a little girl steps forward and a boy says, "Don't go" but she ignores him and doesn't seem bothered that the task is dangerous. I explain to her what she has to do. It's too dark so she'll have to do it tomorrow.

I'm on a bus and Stacy is sitting next to me. I ask her why she wrote her name as E. Audrey Rose. She says she thinks it's beautiful. I say Audrey reminds me of this pretentious, anorexic girl and do impressions of her. Two girls in the seat in front of us turn around and say, "Pretentious means like stuck up right?" And I nod and talk to them for a bit. They remind me of Brian's cousin and her friends.

Now I'm going into a room with these boys and I know Jon's going to be there. I think we had come from Jon's apartment but Jon had gotten ahead of us. I'm expecting to see him with his new girlfriend. When I walk in there's three or four boys and a couple middle-aged women and a baby and Cathy Hodson. Cathy talks about how she knows ma and how her kids used to torture me. I say no that badly. The guy next to me says I was talking about how bad they teased me earlier. Jon is sitting next to a fatter girl and I don't think it''s his girlfriend. He's ignoring my existence. I start playing with the baby. One of the guys asks me if I want some cereal. Some of the people get up and go outside including Jon. The guy who asked me if I wanted cereal says they're going to smoke marijuana then asks me what kind of cereal I want.

Feb 21

Jon invites me over to his new place. While I'm sitting on a couch waiting for him to get back from the bathroom a woman walks in and starts talking to me. I assume she's a neighbor he's friends with. She's actually cool to talk to and starts massaging my shoulders. She leaves and I'm still waiting for Jon. This woman with a clipboard and three guys walk up. She tells me they're having group. I get up and go out in the hallway and that's when I realize I'm on the psych ward of a hospital. It's the same hospital I was in last year. I call Jon and ask him why he didn't tell me.


After that last dream I quit writing down my dreams because I didn't want to remember them anymore. I'm going to start again.