going crazy is when

you call someone over twenty times. you think after the fourth or fifth time you'd give up. but then something else takes over and you just keep calling hoping you'll eat away at their resistance and that they'll eventually pick up at least just to tell you to stop fucking calling them. and then when that doesn't work you send them all kinds of messages trying to get some reaction.

then when none of that works you watch TV instead of just staring at the ceiling or out the window in between desperate attempts to contact the person. but it's just a cheap distraction. your muscles are weak, your eyes hurt from crying. you think no one understands you. you remember when your cousin said no one understood him, five years ago in the graveyard. you think of him now - fat, pathetic, alone. you cry some more. you send some more text messages. you turn off you phone for awhile but even that only works for a half hour or so. it's like an addiction. you come to like the sound of the answering machine and the feeling of imminent rejection as the phone rings. you no longer have any hope for an answer.

maybe you finally eat something at five o clock. but instead of it making you feel nourished you just feel sick and your stomach turns into knots. there might be a knock at the door but you don't get up to look, you just keep watching TV. you think you'll just hole yourself up in your room forever but secretly you want someone to come and keep you company. but who would want to sit in the presence of such misery? who would want to look at something so pathetic? so weak? so disgusting? certainly not anyone sane.

this is when you give up. you look at the dishes in the sink (most of them not even yours), the overflowing trash, the undone laundry, your homework, all your roommate's shit strewn on the floor, and you just give up.

you just give up and watch TV and ignore your stomach ache and hope the one person you want to talk to will call you back. and that's really the most crazy part. you still hope that they call. because if you don't hold on to that, what do you have really?

i resign

before this turns into me bitching about how much i hate it here and how much i hate humanity. because that's really all i have to say these days. i'm pretty boring.

"i used to care but things have changed "

i look at this blog everyday trying to think of something to write and i always just draw a blank. i have really stopped caring about everything including writing. i no longer even feel guilty for not writing or drawing  or reading. i just want to watch movies all the time and i'm perfectly okay with that. i also no longer feel bad about doing drugs or not making an effort to hang out with people. i just don't care. 

i want to escape. i don't want to go back to college. i want to get on a bus and "disa-fucking-ppear." but i don't even know where i would go.

i've always been a dreamer. when i'm bored i always just make up stories in my mind and most of the time they're about my own life. but now when i try i just get frustrated. i've lost any optimism i once had and can no longer even dream of a "happily ever after." i don't even know what that ending would look like.

i'm too apathetic at this point to even be sad and that's the part that's really annoying. i wish i could feel that debilitating sadness instead of just feeling absolutely nothing.