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It's sad really,

how much hasn't changed. How I'm still trying to figure out what living my own life means or how to do it. How alone I feel, having to think of myself as an individual, as separate from him. How I still don't know who I am without him. How I still want him. How I miss him. How I feel my life is somehow now less meaningful without him.


But I guess things are changing, albeit slowly. How I don't think of dying as much. How I've started to have crushes again. How I've been able able to watch TV shows and movies without thinking of him. How I've started to experience things on my own.


I never want to see him again. But I miss him. I don't know what's worse - knowing exactly what you want but not being able to have it or realizing there's nothing you even want anymore.

"I saw you at the funeral, You were standing there like a temple."

Perhaps it is with the short-sightedness that young people supposedly possess that I say I don't think I'll ever fall in love with anyone else. At this point in my life it doesn't seem either possible or desirable. It's been four years (although my crush began six years ago) and I haven't loved anyone else. I've barely even been interested in anyone else. How long is something like this supposed to take to get over? I haven't seen him since April and that was just a one time thing. Before that I hadn't seen him since the first week of January. That's seven months ago and it hasn't gotten easier. I am no less in love, no less hurt. The only difference is that I'm angrier. And perhaps I've realized that things are never going to work out. I think I know that. I don't know if I really believe it. If I stop wishing, there will be nothing left to wish for and that's even worse in some way. I just think it's something I'll never get over. Like Hurt dying. It's like I'm just so emotionally immature that I have no skills to know how to move on from these things. I thought it would get better but I can't think of either one of them without crying. The whole Jon thing, it just took too much out of me. I don't have anything else to give. And then there's the fact that there seems to be no boy of my age that is interesting or that shares any of my interests around here. If they are, I certainly haven't met them. I'm too crazy for romantic pursuits anyway. No one should have to be exposed to the crazy person I can be. And I wish I could somehow wear a sign that would keep all of them away. I don't even want to talk to any guy that's at all romantically interested in me. It just makes me feel sick and guilty and completely turned off. Perhaps I am truly one of those girls who only wants what she can't have.


Edit.

Holy shit, on King of the Hill Peggy said that however long a relationship is is how long it takes to get over it. Wtf.

Just shoot me now.

If I have to live with my mom much longer I'm probably going to kill myself. (Okay, that may be an exaggeration. Maybe.) She says she's done nothing wrong. That I have no reason to be angry with her. How can she forget that less than a week ago she acted like she was going to kick me out and make me go live with my grandmother? Telling me that I had to have an 11 curfew and would have to tell my grandma where I was at all times or she'd die. And then to not even go through with it makes the whole thing worse. She's constantly telling me that I'm selfish. That I'm not even trying to be happy. But frankly I'm not that sad anymore, just relentlessly angry and annoyed with her (among other people, but she just being the one I can't ever avoid.) I try to tell her things would be better if we didn't live together and she gets defensive. It's not me, it's you, she says. And then there's the constant worrying and overreacting. The worst thing you can do with a bipolar person is overreact when they're overreacting. She always just escalates the situation. If I were freaking out on my own, it would be over more quickly. She asks me all kinds of questions all the time. I say I'm not hungry, she asks me what I ate. She's always texting me, asking where I am and what I'm doing. No one else who is twenty years old has their mom texting and calling them all the time. She's the one doing the blaming and the invalidating and other things you learn the name of at mental health groups. She acts like I'm so bad and I'm tired of feeling guilty and I'm tired of feeling suffocated. I'm just tired of living with her.

Medications

This Seroquel is getting to be almost addicting in a weird way. It's like my body is becoming physically dependent on it. When I just miss one day now I feel almost sick and start to become kind of manic and can't sleep at all. I might even puke. I get the chills. When I only miss it once. It didn't used to be so bad if I missed a dose. I want to just not take it but that's not really an option. And I've gained a lot of weight. I weigh 120 pounds which isn't a lot but it's more than I ever weighed before and I just feel bigger and more unhealthy and I still have horrible mood swings despite the Seroquel. It doesn't even work.

Ok...

So I don't know how I feel about Daniel Johnston's newest album. I realize that it is already two years old so probably a lot of other fans have listened to it and properly digested it but I'm a little late because I kind of ignored it's existence for awhile.


Anyway, I just can't tell if it's great or horrible. It's kind of disconcerting. Is that the word I'm thinking of?

I think we were all more beautiful when we were younger and didn't know any better.