It's sad really,

how much hasn't changed. How I'm still trying to figure out what living my own life means or how to do it. How alone I feel, having to think of myself as an individual, as separate from him. How I still don't know who I am without him. How I still want him. How I miss him. How I feel my life is somehow now less meaningful without him.


But I guess things are changing, albeit slowly. How I don't think of dying as much. How I've started to have crushes again. How I've been able able to watch TV shows and movies without thinking of him. How I've started to experience things on my own.


I never want to see him again. But I miss him. I don't know what's worse - knowing exactly what you want but not being able to have it or realizing there's nothing you even want anymore.