Also,

Since I last wrote on this blog things are pretty different, I guess. My mom is probably my best friend. I don't have a whole lot of friends but I work and that takes up most of my life and I like most of the people I work with a lot. I have a couple friends, but I don't mind spending time alone. Some times I wish I had more friends but I don't know. It's another one of those things no one tells you about, but all of a sudden it is so hard to make and even harder to keep friends. At least for me. Maybe I am just so different that no one could tell me these things were gonna happen because it didn't happen to them. That makes me a little sad and lonely feeling. But I think I'll always kind of have that lonely feeling and is it really so bad? Now that I'm really having to sit here and reflect and think of my life it seems so much bleaker than the day to day happenings. Is that right? It sounds a little backwards to me. There is no direction. There is just surviving. Trying to be the happiest with what I have and dreaming of California or somewhere there's no winters and Christmas will be sunny and I'll play the Beach Boys. But what I'm really writing to say is that I think I'll stop this kind of writing on the internet. I mean, I kind of already have.

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^^^^go there

My Grandma...

was beautiful.

NEW

http://fictionmag.blogspot.com/

It's sad really,

how much hasn't changed. How I'm still trying to figure out what living my own life means or how to do it. How alone I feel, having to think of myself as an individual, as separate from him. How I still don't know who I am without him. How I still want him. How I miss him. How I feel my life is somehow now less meaningful without him.


But I guess things are changing, albeit slowly. How I don't think of dying as much. How I've started to have crushes again. How I've been able able to watch TV shows and movies without thinking of him. How I've started to experience things on my own.


I never want to see him again. But I miss him. I don't know what's worse - knowing exactly what you want but not being able to have it or realizing there's nothing you even want anymore.

"I saw you at the funeral, You were standing there like a temple."

Perhaps it is with the short-sightedness that young people supposedly possess that I say I don't think I'll ever fall in love with anyone else. At this point in my life it doesn't seem either possible or desirable. It's been four years (although my crush began six years ago) and I haven't loved anyone else. I've barely even been interested in anyone else. How long is something like this supposed to take to get over? I haven't seen him since April and that was just a one time thing. Before that I hadn't seen him since the first week of January. That's seven months ago and it hasn't gotten easier. I am no less in love, no less hurt. The only difference is that I'm angrier. And perhaps I've realized that things are never going to work out. I think I know that. I don't know if I really believe it. If I stop wishing, there will be nothing left to wish for and that's even worse in some way. I just think it's something I'll never get over. Like Hurt dying. It's like I'm just so emotionally immature that I have no skills to know how to move on from these things. I thought it would get better but I can't think of either one of them without crying. The whole Jon thing, it just took too much out of me. I don't have anything else to give. And then there's the fact that there seems to be no boy of my age that is interesting or that shares any of my interests around here. If they are, I certainly haven't met them. I'm too crazy for romantic pursuits anyway. No one should have to be exposed to the crazy person I can be. And I wish I could somehow wear a sign that would keep all of them away. I don't even want to talk to any guy that's at all romantically interested in me. It just makes me feel sick and guilty and completely turned off. Perhaps I am truly one of those girls who only wants what she can't have.


Edit.

Holy shit, on King of the Hill Peggy said that however long a relationship is is how long it takes to get over it. Wtf.

Just shoot me now.

If I have to live with my mom much longer I'm probably going to kill myself. (Okay, that may be an exaggeration. Maybe.) She says she's done nothing wrong. That I have no reason to be angry with her. How can she forget that less than a week ago she acted like she was going to kick me out and make me go live with my grandmother? Telling me that I had to have an 11 curfew and would have to tell my grandma where I was at all times or she'd die. And then to not even go through with it makes the whole thing worse. She's constantly telling me that I'm selfish. That I'm not even trying to be happy. But frankly I'm not that sad anymore, just relentlessly angry and annoyed with her (among other people, but she just being the one I can't ever avoid.) I try to tell her things would be better if we didn't live together and she gets defensive. It's not me, it's you, she says. And then there's the constant worrying and overreacting. The worst thing you can do with a bipolar person is overreact when they're overreacting. She always just escalates the situation. If I were freaking out on my own, it would be over more quickly. She asks me all kinds of questions all the time. I say I'm not hungry, she asks me what I ate. She's always texting me, asking where I am and what I'm doing. No one else who is twenty years old has their mom texting and calling them all the time. She's the one doing the blaming and the invalidating and other things you learn the name of at mental health groups. She acts like I'm so bad and I'm tired of feeling guilty and I'm tired of feeling suffocated. I'm just tired of living with her.

Medications

This Seroquel is getting to be almost addicting in a weird way. It's like my body is becoming physically dependent on it. When I just miss one day now I feel almost sick and start to become kind of manic and can't sleep at all. I might even puke. I get the chills. When I only miss it once. It didn't used to be so bad if I missed a dose. I want to just not take it but that's not really an option. And I've gained a lot of weight. I weigh 120 pounds which isn't a lot but it's more than I ever weighed before and I just feel bigger and more unhealthy and I still have horrible mood swings despite the Seroquel. It doesn't even work.

Ok...

So I don't know how I feel about Daniel Johnston's newest album. I realize that it is already two years old so probably a lot of other fans have listened to it and properly digested it but I'm a little late because I kind of ignored it's existence for awhile.


Anyway, I just can't tell if it's great or horrible. It's kind of disconcerting. Is that the word I'm thinking of?

I think we were all more beautiful when we were younger and didn't know any better.

So

I was listening to the Buzzcocks and I heard the song "What do I get?" I thought, that seems familiar. I think it was in Ghost World. I look it up and sure enough I'm right. That's the best feeling.

Back

I am incredibly sad. When I wake up in the morning I feel it the worst. I get up and do things to distract myself but basically when I take any time to think it always ends in tears. Sometimes I'm not really sad but I'm not really happy either. I'm bored. Sometimes I get high and I feel better. I feel kind of happy for awhile. Sometimes it lasts for hours and hours. But eventually the happy will always end. Sometimes I get high and things don't get better. I'm always tired. I drink so much caffeine. I live with my mom. I'm almost 20. I've completed only one semester of college. I'm addicted to weed. I'm not really close with anyone. I keep my fears to myself. I try not to think about other people either. I am lonely. I feel outside of everything. I am selfish.


I'm back.

There are two things that changed my life significantly:

1. My cousin going crazy when I was 13. 
2. Mr. Hurt dying.

Cooper Union #3

3. A view around a corner or a quaquaversal.

Quaquaversal: going off in all directions at once; dipping away from a centre in all directions

In geology, lava beds are examples of quaquaversals because they are inclined outward in all directions from a central point or area.

I thought fractals were similiar to quaquaversals because they too go out in all directions at once.

Decalcomania is a Surrealist technique. It is the process of spreading thick paint upon a canvas then — while it is still wet — covering it with further material such as paper or aluminium foil. This covering is then removed (again before the paint dries), and the resultant paint pattern becomes the basis of the finished painting. The technique was much employed by artists such as Max Ernst. Decalcomania can produce fractal-like patterns

So I used decalcomania to get fractal patterns. Then over that I applied an acrylic transfer of a photo of a lava bed dipping in all directions.

Fractal pattern

Cooper Union # 1

1. Draw three pieces of furniture from observation. Create a new piece of furniture from a combination of these drawings.

Acrylic and Marker on Transparencies 

Front cover when folded up

Sorry about the crappy photos.

Shitty comics

Cooper Union Test #2

2. A self-portrait including both a view of the top of your head and the bottom of your feet.

I was thinking of cutting it out and putting it on a background of acrylic wash. Also I couldn't decide if I should make the lines of the squares less visible.

Yeah, I was there.

Charles Bukowski

the last song

driving the freeway while
listening to the Country and Western boys
sing about a broken heart
and the honkytonk blues,
it seems that things just don't work
most of the time
and when they do it will be for a
short time
only.
well, that's not news.
nothing's news.
it's the same old thing in
disguise.
only one thing comes without a
disguise and you only see it
once, or
maybe never.
like getting hit by a freight
train.
makes us realize that all our
moaning about long lost girls
in gingham dresses
is not so important
after
all.