Just shoot me now.

If I have to live with my mom much longer I'm probably going to kill myself. (Okay, that may be an exaggeration. Maybe.) She says she's done nothing wrong. That I have no reason to be angry with her. How can she forget that less than a week ago she acted like she was going to kick me out and make me go live with my grandmother? Telling me that I had to have an 11 curfew and would have to tell my grandma where I was at all times or she'd die. And then to not even go through with it makes the whole thing worse. She's constantly telling me that I'm selfish. That I'm not even trying to be happy. But frankly I'm not that sad anymore, just relentlessly angry and annoyed with her (among other people, but she just being the one I can't ever avoid.) I try to tell her things would be better if we didn't live together and she gets defensive. It's not me, it's you, she says. And then there's the constant worrying and overreacting. The worst thing you can do with a bipolar person is overreact when they're overreacting. She always just escalates the situation. If I were freaking out on my own, it would be over more quickly. She asks me all kinds of questions all the time. I say I'm not hungry, she asks me what I ate. She's always texting me, asking where I am and what I'm doing. No one else who is twenty years old has their mom texting and calling them all the time. She's the one doing the blaming and the invalidating and other things you learn the name of at mental health groups. She acts like I'm so bad and I'm tired of feeling guilty and I'm tired of feeling suffocated. I'm just tired of living with her.

Medications

This Seroquel is getting to be almost addicting in a weird way. It's like my body is becoming physically dependent on it. When I just miss one day now I feel almost sick and start to become kind of manic and can't sleep at all. I might even puke. I get the chills. When I only miss it once. It didn't used to be so bad if I missed a dose. I want to just not take it but that's not really an option. And I've gained a lot of weight. I weigh 120 pounds which isn't a lot but it's more than I ever weighed before and I just feel bigger and more unhealthy and I still have horrible mood swings despite the Seroquel. It doesn't even work.

Ok...

So I don't know how I feel about Daniel Johnston's newest album. I realize that it is already two years old so probably a lot of other fans have listened to it and properly digested it but I'm a little late because I kind of ignored it's existence for awhile.


Anyway, I just can't tell if it's great or horrible. It's kind of disconcerting. Is that the word I'm thinking of?

I think we were all more beautiful when we were younger and didn't know any better.

So

I was listening to the Buzzcocks and I heard the song "What do I get?" I thought, that seems familiar. I think it was in Ghost World. I look it up and sure enough I'm right. That's the best feeling.

Back

I am incredibly sad. When I wake up in the morning I feel it the worst. I get up and do things to distract myself but basically when I take any time to think it always ends in tears. Sometimes I'm not really sad but I'm not really happy either. I'm bored. Sometimes I get high and I feel better. I feel kind of happy for awhile. Sometimes it lasts for hours and hours. But eventually the happy will always end. Sometimes I get high and things don't get better. I'm always tired. I drink so much caffeine. I live with my mom. I'm almost 20. I've completed only one semester of college. I'm addicted to weed. I'm not really close with anyone. I keep my fears to myself. I try not to think about other people either. I am lonely. I feel outside of everything. I am selfish.


I'm back.

There are two things that changed my life significantly:

1. My cousin going crazy when I was 13. 
2. Mr. Hurt dying.