Hello.

I work 30 hours a week in the douchiest store in history. I smoke weed in my bathroom and try to hide it from my roommate. I don't go to class. I cram for exams. I write papers in an hour or two. I don't get drunk as often as I used to. I don't "go out." I spent my last Saturday night working til 11 and then coming home and passing out after only one and a half episodes of The Simpsons. I like to spend my time alone. I don't care what anyone thinks. I have no goals, no aspirations. I enjoy pacifying activities - like watching T.V. and getting stoned or drunk or eating. I don't like to think. I take the subway twice a day on days that I work. It's an experience I can't describe (I mean specifically the feeling of doing this every day.) I work every day this week except Thursday. On Wednesday night I hope to be belligerently drunk but to pass out before 2 AM. I am busy. I feel more isolated than ever. But I am okay.

How the fuck

did I get right back to the same place I started?

It's a possibility

that I'm failing a lot of classes. Well maybe just one, but two of my four classes are non-major art classes and therefore super easy. And I hate my job. And I feel like I might just be really dumb and no one ever decided to tell me. They all let me believe I was so smart for so long and now I'm realizing it's all a lie. Yeah, I think that's probably the truth.

And I don't care about anything and I can't wait to to get out of here.

I'm just as suprised as you.

I feel like I'm coming out of darkness I thought was impenetrable. I feel untouchable. I feel like the old Sam is coming back - the Sam that doesn't care what anyone thinks of her, the old Sam who is not worrying or nervous.

I still hate. But that hate is mine and not theirs. I take it and I put it into everything I do. I stand alone but am no longer lonely.

I'm getting out of here. I'm leaving this behind.

Zoloft

To be or not to be? That is always the question.

Today

I looked at the 90s Music list iTunes generates and it was pretty much all my favorite artists. Then I realized I would be perfectly happy without any of the music created after that.


Fuck this era.

I think maybe

terrible, terrible things have happened. I have a splitting headache and I woke up alone even though I didn't fall asleep that way (or was that all a dream).


I think I'll lock myself in my room forever for real this time.  There's nothing for me in the social realm.  Goddamn this headache and the fact that I only probably slept for four hours and can't go back to sleep.